Much more to the man

Of course, there is much, much more to my LOML than his extraordinary practical skills. I always knew without a doubt how important he was (& is) to my life, but in retrospect, I was surprised to find he was actually my backbone, in a sense. I am not up giving my value as a person, or my power as an effective player in this game of life, but realised that much of who I was depended on my amazing relationship with him.

I did not know that at the time since we had been together since my adolescence, but my self-confidence emanated from, & was maintained by this relationship, to a large degree. I felt almost invincible. & I would proffer that had my demise come first, he would have come to the same conclusion, in reverse. That is, I was also his backbone.

I believe that many widowed persons would feel the same about their relationships. This is not a self-limiting perspective, but rather one of empowerment in knowing that someone has touched your life in such a powerful way that you have essentially become one entity. Not literally, of course, since self-independence within the relationship is also important. That your partner has your back, though, enables you to go forth with dignity & courage.

& then he/she is gone, & we are left behind to pick up the pieces. Attempting to recoup with a hole in your heart is not an easy process.

At this point I will apologise to newly widowed people who may read this blog in time, & who are looking for relief from grief, since I have to openly admit that widowhood still sucks, even almost five years on.

In another vein, I have no intention of discussing aspects of my LOML's death in full herein, since there is a malevolent person on the periphery of my life who distorts all that I say & do, to advance her own agenda & self-worth. No, I'm not paranoid, but fully aware that some person/s that come along (uninvited, in this case) on this tragic ride, are more self-interested & hostile than empathic.

However, I have begun a memorial anthology which I will share in time.

So that's it for now. I shared a wonderful relationship - most of the time, it was not always a bed of roses - with a wonderful man who fulfilled me. I miss him every minute of every day.