Will He Come Back?

This just landed in my junk email, under the title above:

"Are you still obsessing about a past (ahem ... current) relationship that absorbs all your attention? YES - and call it obsessing, if you will!!! 

It's time to let go of the past so you can become emotionally available NO THANKS!!! to find your true soul mate. DONE - 42 years ago!!!

Get the guidance you need from a love psychic who can support you on your journey. New customers, choose your special offer: Get the first 3 minutes free, or enjoy 10 minutes for only $1.99!" THINK SHE/HE CAN HELP???

The question remains ... will he come back? Not in the way I would wish him to :(

Coincidence or Communication? Image or Imagination?

Caution: Proceed with care. Contains traces of spiritual concepts.

COINCIDENCE OR COMMUNICATION?

• Family gathered at daughter's house soon after LOML's death, discussion pertaining to him. Lights flicker several times in quick succession.
• Discussion regarding financial implications of his death. A psychic the very next day came straight to me (at a public gathering - she didn't know me at all & certainly wasn't expecting me) & told me "he's very sorry he had to leave you in such a financial state". [He had no choice due to his long illness & consequently, no prospect of life insurance].
• Same psychic told me my Dad was present, & that he had passed from "something with the pancreas". My Dad died from pancreatic cancer.
•  I was clearing & packing LOML's personal belongings for storage, when a song from the 1960's played on a radio station I don't usually listen to. LOML often played this song on his guitar. I commented out loud "That doesn't really impress me. If you're really here, you'll ensure our favourite song XYZ is played". Five songs later, XYZ was played.
• 6 days prior to his death, I attended an acquaintance's funeral. Commented to LOML "I never want to go through that much emotional pain", in reference to the deceased's grieving family. LOML replied that my experience of the same was inevitable. Discussion of the potential of an afterlife ensued, with LOML proposing a "secret question" to be answered to verify his continued existence. Psychic mentioned above alluded, in detail, to that question, on a separate occasion.

IMAGE OR IMAGINATION?

• Visiting my brother, he offered me an onion, that he had pickled himself. I have never eaten onions, but decided to be polite & accepted his offer. As soon as I put it in my mouth, I "saw" a vision of my LOML in my sideview, as if in a photo frame, laughing heartily.
• On a random occasion, I "saw' LOML walking down our driveway. He had a pensive expression, & his clothes [in full colour] were exactly like those he'd often choose when alive. Curiously, I couldn't see below his knees.

These are a mere example of the many of these I had experienced in the early days after his death. However, despite a willingness to believe, I find myself still deliberating over the authenticity of such experiences, at times more convinced than at other times. Overall, I believe that the afterlife does indeed exist, & that they truly walk our journey with us.

As an aside, one of our seven grandchildren has experienced Granddad since his death. You can read his account in a book by Christine Duminiak titled "Heaven Speaks To Children". His particular section is "Granddad Has Powers".

You don't know what you've got till it's gone

Well, this is not entirely/necessarily true in the widowhood experience. I really appreciated my LOML whilst he was still physically present, but realised his absolute worth after his death. All part of being human, I guess.

But my health has been on a downward spiral since he took his last breath, exacerbated by my persistent nonchalance, & manifested as neglect of my body, & reluctance to participate in healthful pursuits - all things that would ostensibly prolong my life.

I'm sure that I won't really know what I had till it's gone. However, I'm finding it really difficult to elevate the care factor, despite my cognisance of the benefits to both myself & my loved ones. They want me to be around for much longer than my fifty-seven years (or so they say :o)).

I once read of a widow who felt similar apathy , until she faced a life-threatening illness. Encountering this illness, she quickly realised that she preferred to be healthy after all. My social psychology lecturer would nod in agreement - he taught that we cannot accurately predict our own behaviours in a specific situation, despite thinking we know what we would do (he actually stated that in relation to a bystander scenario, but works here just as well).

So the question remains: will I reevaluate my stance before my choices have evaporated? To use LOML's favourite phrase (clause, to be accurate): "Time will tell". In the interim, if you have found a particular strategy helpful (to begin to care again), I'd love to hear it.

No, not grief ... but certainly a legacy of it :(

Random Grief

In the whole scheme of things, I believe I am well on the way to recovery from grief (this of course, depends on which day you ask me). The missing him will NEVER leave, nor do I wish it to, but the rawness has gone & a reluctant acceptance has settled into its place.

At almost five years I am well past the firsts, which bring the widowed & other grievers to their knees. I have listened to his music; I have visited places he & I once visited together; I have commemorated recent anniversaries, birthdays & other special occasions with a deep longing, but without a tear being shed; I have laughed at & revered things he'd said & done; & I've loved & remembered him every day, with every element of my being. I've even listened to acoustic guitar music, which I thought I could never endure again. And ultimately, I have survived.

Why then, did a particular song from his CD collection, randomly selected whilst out driving, not even related to grief, & one that I've listened to several times since his death, totally wipe me out today? I cried as though I was reliving the first days & feel utterly exhausted. It genuinely felt as though he was present with me & paradoxically, I acutely felt his loss.

Random grief!!! Damn you, you interloper!!! I am very capable of honouring him without your presence!!!

It's a blogging kind of day

All of these blog ideas are now tumbling around in my head. I hope they soon simply go away, to allow me to visit my reading list of blogs.

My new cult :)

I often find myself wishing that I had been born into a culture that embraces death, rather than fearing & grieving it. I have made no attempts to research if any cultures do this in a wholehearted manner, & your knowledge of these, if applicable, will be most welcome.

In the interim, I may introduce my own culture of death. I may even formalise this into a cult-like experience, wherein all members must be grateful for their loss, with the prevailing assumption that loved ones have gone to a better place where they now live an unencumbered & fruitful life.

Within my model, absolutely no person will grieve, overtly or covertly. When faced with an impending or actual death, those involved will have previously initiated a detailed plan of response, including afterlife communications ie how, what, where & when; a commitment to a reunion in the afterlife; & a contract to live out the remaining earthly years in fulfilment of her/his valuable life. Of course, no loving word will have been left unsaid & no behaviour left undefined. This will then serve as an adjunct to living effectively in the interim between here & there.

I am obliged to introduce the moralistic code of good vs bad, since the cult members will be reluctant to embrace joyfulness in the event of evil within their midst.

The fear of mortality will be mitigated, since death is discussed openly & honestly, within the life-eternal paradigm. Of course, many forms of mortality will still occur. Members of this cult will be educated that once a life has passed, by any means, that soul has returned home & joy will ensue, both here & there.

The 'wake' will truly be a commemoration of an earthly life passed beyond. It will be a demonstration of love toward, & gratitude for that life & a promise of an impending reunion, all within the spirit of merriment.

No afterlife concept will be derided without full, open-minded investigation. There will be no right or wrong ways to commune with deceased loved ones, only those that provide comfort without fostering vulnerability.

Old concepts & rituals will be welcomed, as long as they exist in the spirit of joyfulness.

Sound like religion to you? Or spirituality? I don’t mind which you prefer, as long as no doctrine impinges on the overall tone of celebration, truth of the afterlife existence & great potential for afterlife communication. Actually, I will include this as a given.

I have read that the souls in the afterlife view birth (to those on earth) as a sad occasion, since they are losing one of their own; & death as a celebration, or homecoming. This of course, depends on one believing in reincarnation, which I do not in its totality. In my view, reincarnation should not present as a one-size-fits-all & needs to be dissected to reveal all of its elements. Only then will we approximate the truth. & I may still choose to question its existence.

End of sermon J

Monogomy ~ in the common use of the term

 {Disclaimer: This will not be an essay on the subject, so I do not apologise for omitting relevant academic material, such as full definitions & aetiology}. 

Very recently, I viewed a current affairs program wherein the 'strains' imposed on a person’s natural instincts by monogamous practices were highlighted. The interviewee spoke of the natural state of polygamy in humans; how monogamy is culturally, rather than innately determined [then enacted by law in all Australian states & territories]; & the adverse effects of boredom within the monogamous relationship. Her partner was also interviewed, with the conclusion (for them at least) that the preferred state is an open relationship, which they believe will maintain the longevity of their primary relationship. Only time will tell if this is a successful strategy for them.

I concur that our particular early culture, partly predicated on the inherent practical benefits, has determined our monogamous practices (or polygamous, if that is your experience). I also agree that we were not necessarily “pre-programmed” to be monogamous across the lifespan of both parties, if we were fortunate enough to get a lifetime with our loved spouses/partners. But I can certainly appreciate the benefits of a loving union committed to monogamy.

The process of grief after the profound loss of a spouse/partner is a tentative journey, even secure in the knowledge we shared a deep connectedness, to the exclusion of all others (competing partners). So many emotions are evoked, analysed & if we are fortunate, resolved in a positive manner. Imagine the adverse impact a current rival for that person’s attention, & dare I say it, affection, would invoke. I am not suggesting that, in the initial example above, the persons involved would allow affection to complicate their liaisons, but these things have a way of simply occurring. As in illness & death which seem to occur randomly - there seem to be no rules or conventions.

My own monogamous union over 34+ years of marriage, 1+ years of engagement & 2 years of dating have not changed my mind about the value of monogamy. While I accept every other person’s preference for an alternative relationship if they so desire, I have no regrets. I’m pleased to report that boredom was never a significant issue. I wouldn’t have traded him for anyone!!!

I sincerely hope that the persons interviewed never have to put their practices to the death test.

Word Economy

It has been my experience that, at any given time, I can traverse the widow/er blogs & have my very thoughts & feelings of that particular moment, transcribed into poignant words by at least one blogger. I could simply copy & paste (with full citations, of course) in the interest of the economy of words.

Thank you all, for effectively framing my own sentiments in your writings. We really are of a similar mindset, as a result of our widowed experiences.

Did you ever have a dream ...

... that satisfy all of the following conditions:

That you recall with clarity?
That left you feeling unsettled days later?
That you immediately recognised as Episode #2 of a previous dream, even though the initial dream was months, or perhaps years, ago?

These were not classical "recurrent" dreams.

I have always considered dreams to be phenomena that occur as a consequence of what we have had on our minds - consciously or not - during what my uni lecturer alluded to as the "dream day" (the period between dreams). This has been borne out on so many occasions since I was first introduced to the concept, that I readily accepted this theory.

I also accept that some dreams may indeed be "visitations" from our loved ones (how's that for an awkward merge of psychology & spirituality?)

But in this instance, the very distinct Parts 1 & 2, the time between these episodes, & the content of these dreams has left me baffled.

I don't enjoy being baffled :(

More about me ...

If I appear to be overly effusive in my comments to you all, I do not apologise. This is who I NOW am at the core. [Regrettably, I wasn't always so]. I actively subscribe to the old adage that states"if you cannot say something nice, say nothing at all". I have witnessed the hurt caused by barbed comments or worse. I understand that some recipients may feel uncomfortable, but if I feel it, I'll simply say it. A Sagittarian trait, perhaps???

When my three children were teenagers, squabbling in the back of the car enroute to school, I threatened that if they, too, did not honour this adage there would be negative consequences. To my chagrin, they began demeaning each other with heavily sarcastic NICE words. At times, one simply cannot win the battle!!! I can happily report that they are, some twenty years on, the best of friends & companions, with nary a bad word between them, or to others. However, this hasn't rendered them powerless - they can each take care of their own rights, when the need arises, but by using assertive techniques rather than resorting to verbal abuse. Their own parenting also reflects these attitudes & practices.

I have been known to assertively intervene when I have been visually & audibly assaulted by a person exerting greater power over another, eg a manager berating an employee in full view of customers, or in other scenarios, persons not using respectful tones in heated verbal exchanges. It is possible to demonstrate disappointment & the like, whilst still preserving the ego. There is absolutely no need for humiliation.

However, I'm more intuitive & not as brave as I once was, & carefully consider the consequences for that person when I have left the scene, or for my own personal safety. I do not wish to be responsible for a woman being brutalised due to my intervention. Maybe she knows that her safety depends on her partner's verbal, rather than physical, assault. I can only pray that she leave/repair that relationship with her safety intact, & with a quest to reinstate any self-esteem lost in the relationship.

I prefer not to raise the topic of domestic violence, without elucidation of my personal views. Really do not have the energy today, though. Suffice it to say that I don't adhere to the all the stereotypes, despite alluding to "woman" above, regarding who is violating who, etc, & find any situations wherein power is being abused, abominable.

Now that I've portrayed myself as some kind of saint & saviour to the world, another truth must be told. I am not perfect. I'm sure you'll learn this as my blogging continues :) I do enjoy people though, & am always interested in learning how individuals live, learn & love. & I try very hard not to impose my values & beliefs on others. & I am not judgemental.

& yes, I love the word "power". It has a kind of, well, POWER to it!!!

Much more to the man

Of course, there is much, much more to my LOML than his extraordinary practical skills. I always knew without a doubt how important he was (& is) to my life, but in retrospect, I was surprised to find he was actually my backbone, in a sense. I am not up giving my value as a person, or my power as an effective player in this game of life, but realised that much of who I was depended on my amazing relationship with him.

I did not know that at the time since we had been together since my adolescence, but my self-confidence emanated from, & was maintained by this relationship, to a large degree. I felt almost invincible. & I would proffer that had my demise come first, he would have come to the same conclusion, in reverse. That is, I was also his backbone.

I believe that many widowed persons would feel the same about their relationships. This is not a self-limiting perspective, but rather one of empowerment in knowing that someone has touched your life in such a powerful way that you have essentially become one entity. Not literally, of course, since self-independence within the relationship is also important. That your partner has your back, though, enables you to go forth with dignity & courage.

& then he/she is gone, & we are left behind to pick up the pieces. Attempting to recoup with a hole in your heart is not an easy process.

At this point I will apologise to newly widowed people who may read this blog in time, & who are looking for relief from grief, since I have to openly admit that widowhood still sucks, even almost five years on.

In another vein, I have no intention of discussing aspects of my LOML's death in full herein, since there is a malevolent person on the periphery of my life who distorts all that I say & do, to advance her own agenda & self-worth. No, I'm not paranoid, but fully aware that some person/s that come along (uninvited, in this case) on this tragic ride, are more self-interested & hostile than empathic.

However, I have begun a memorial anthology which I will share in time.

So that's it for now. I shared a wonderful relationship - most of the time, it was not always a bed of roses - with a wonderful man who fulfilled me. I miss him every minute of every day.

Slow beginnings

Despite being widowed for several years, I've not really felt inclined to share my thoughts on the process until recent times. I've been reading beautiful and heart-wrenching sentiments from members of the widowed community over many months & like many others who have commented, these eloquent accounts have seen me nodding in agreement & shedding many tears.

These authors have already described integral components of my story. For example, several writers have covered extensive topics such as

• the unique needs of the widowed, newly or otherwise;
• the comments & suggestions of family, friends & acquaintances (both positive & negative);
• the burdens of functioning alone in a financial/practical/psychological sense across all spectrums of life;
• the aloneness in the midst of others;
• the commonalities with other types of loss;
• the uniquely different characteristics of spousal (insert all other couple relationship types here) loss compared to other types of loss;
• the validity of all types of loss; 
• etc; etc

Moreover, these thoughtful, & thought-provoking accounts of personal experiences of widowhood, in concert with the active communities of the widowed, have given us validity & voice. If I had to choose an era to be widowed in, it would be now!

However, I didn't choose widowhood - it chose me.

The LOML (love of my life) & I had been a couple since I was 15 & he was almost 17. At the time of his death, we had been married for 34.5 years & were together several years prior. He had a congenital heart defect, had endured several open-heart surgeries, & was subjected to constant TIA's (mini strokes). When he was feeling well, he renovated our first home; built us a lovely house from the foundations to the roof, including all of the interior fittings; made stand-alone furniture; landscaped gardens for all six houses we have owned; helped out in his family's business; built a canopy for his father's boat; took care of all maintenance items around our home, my parents' home & his family home; ensured our children's vehicles were all repaired & maintained.

In 2002 he was diagnosed with a Stage 4 melanoma. He had a minor stroke which saw him hospitalised in 2003. His heart finally failed him in 2006. My life will never be the same.