In the whole scheme of things, I believe I am well on the way to recovery from grief (this of course, depends on which day you ask me). The missing him will NEVER leave, nor do I wish it to, but the rawness has gone & a reluctant acceptance has settled into its place.
At almost five years I am well past the firsts, which bring the widowed & other grievers to their knees. I have listened to his music; I have visited places he & I once visited together; I have commemorated recent anniversaries, birthdays & other special occasions with a deep longing, but without a tear being shed; I have laughed at & revered things he'd said & done; & I've loved & remembered him every day, with every element of my being. I've even listened to acoustic guitar music, which I thought I could never endure again. And ultimately, I have survived.
Why then, did a particular song from his CD collection, randomly selected whilst out driving, not even related to grief, & one that I've listened to several times since his death, totally wipe me out today? I cried as though I was reliving the first days & feel utterly exhausted. It genuinely felt as though he was present with me & paradoxically, I acutely felt his loss.
Random grief!!! Damn you, you interloper!!! I am very capable of honouring him without your presence!!!
i loathe those moments when something hits you hard. a man at the store the other day asked me about my husband and i suddenly could not catch my breathe. and he looked at my face and knew. i guess my eyes looked shell-shocked for he said, "oh, God, i am so sorry." and awkwardly he hugged me. he felt the need to hug me. and i thanked him and smiled. said i was sorry, but that it sometimes just creeps up on me at odd times.
ReplyDeleteand it does. God help us, it does.
It creeps up, for sure. Nice that he gave you a hug & nice to know that there are compassionate people out there still x
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