Well, this is not entirely/necessarily true in the widowhood experience. I really appreciated my LOML whilst he was still physically present, but realised his absolute worth after his death. All part of being human, I guess.
But my health has been on a downward spiral since he took his last breath, exacerbated by my persistent nonchalance, & manifested as neglect of my body, & reluctance to participate in healthful pursuits - all things that would ostensibly prolong my life.
I'm sure that I won't really know what I had till it's gone. However, I'm finding it really difficult to elevate the care factor, despite my cognisance of the benefits to both myself & my loved ones. They want me to be around for much longer than my fifty-seven years (or so they say :o)).
I once read of a widow who felt similar apathy , until she faced a life-threatening illness. Encountering this illness, she quickly realised that she preferred to be healthy after all. My social psychology lecturer would nod in agreement - he taught that we cannot accurately predict our own behaviours in a specific situation, despite thinking we know what we would do (he actually stated that in relation to a bystander scenario, but works here just as well).
So the question remains: will I reevaluate my stance before my choices have evaporated? To use LOML's favourite phrase (clause, to be accurate): "Time will tell". In the interim, if you have found a particular strategy helpful (to begin to care again), I'd love to hear it.
No, not grief ... but certainly a legacy of it :(
i've always tried to take care of myself, not wanting to leave my children in the care of their father. after the divorce, especially so, as i did not want to become ill since he had taken all the money and the health care away from all of us, even his children. after we met our Dragon and he joined our little tribe, we got the children their health care back sacrificing ourselves, well, me as he had the VA. now that he has died, i worry and take care of my health for two reasons.
ReplyDeleteone, the children. they still need me around as along as i am allowed. i want to be there for the events in their lives, to answer the phone when they want to talk heart-to-heart about their own worries and stresses, and to teach them the lesson of grieving and enduring through sorrow.
two, my Dragon never gave up and his life as a warrior had times in it when giving up could have saved him a lot of physical pain. but he was valiant and loved this waiting room we call life far too much. he loved us far too much. life had to sneak up on him and take him out. i am his wife and i will do no less. if i need to eat different things for this diabetes, i will and i am. pay through the nose for a doctor? doing it starting next Tuesday. i will not quit now so that when i catch up to my Dragon, he will smile that smile of his knowing i did all i could, and then it will be my turn to rest, and my children will live their lives by these two examples of the people in their lives who mattered most.
i wish you peace and light.
No coping strategies from me. I want to be with my love. The idea of living another 20, 30, 40 years is awful; I can't face it. Right now, hoping I won't have to worry about Christmas is a comfort. I'm just filling in time. I acknowledge my feelings about this might change radically if I was told I have a terminal illness, but I doubt it. I'm not cut out for life without my love.
ReplyDeleteI could have written this :-) I think that Susan is going to help me because we're going to be Dia-Buddies.
ReplyDeleteI think that when I am sick I am even sadder ... I know this, yet ... when I'm ok I just don't give a damn ... but the issue is this ... death doesn't scare me at all now ... but going blind or losing a foot scares the shit out of me.
So, yep need Dia-Buddy. Maybe we need to check in on you too ... methinks x
wNs, your reasons are sound & honourable. You are leaving a wonderful legacy, as your Dragon did.
ReplyDeleteMy family has known a lifetime of illness, with an acute knowledge of their father's enduring heart condition & our daughter's twice-fought leukaemia battles. I have rationalised that, though they would be devastated, they would realise that this, too, was par for the course.
They have survived the death of their father, & would survive mine with equal equilibrium, post grief. I certainly do not want them to feel obliged to care for me in illness, though. So, perhaps this will be my motivation?
In addition to the grief that has rendered me nonchalant, years of fighting for everyone else's good health has left me with diminished energy & resourcefulness. Pleased that your experience has had the opposite effect x
cancerwidow, not meaning to trivialise your experience, but it seems that we all experience this as an integral component of the grief journey. When the loves of our lives are snatched away, how can we not feel that we want to continue our rightful place by their sides? Wish I knew the meaning of life & death to put it all into some meaningful perspective. Thinking of you x
ReplyDeleteBoo, my main, current issue is also diabetes Type 2 - the lifestyle disease!!! Diagnosed not long before his death, but largely ignored until yesterday. I have also had hypothyroidism for many years.
ReplyDeleteOne of my lecturers at uni suggested I read a book, the premise being that illness/death in our loved ones positively correlates with our own illnesses, due to the increased & continual production of cortisone (stress hormone). Hope I got that right - it's been a long time since I read it. So I guess I wasn't surprised to have health issues myself.
Management of these is another concern, though. Like you, I do not wish to face the dire consequences that you mention. I have no fear of death, either.
As always, thanks for your comments x