{Disclaimer: This will not be an essay on the subject, so I do not apologise for omitting relevant academic material, such as full definitions & aetiology}.
Very recently, I viewed a current affairs program wherein the 'strains' imposed on a person’s natural instincts by monogamous practices were highlighted. The interviewee spoke of the natural state of polygamy in humans; how monogamy is culturally, rather than innately determined [then enacted by law in all Australian states & territories]; & the adverse effects of boredom within the monogamous relationship. Her partner was also interviewed, with the conclusion (for them at least) that the preferred state is an open relationship, which they believe will maintain the longevity of their primary relationship. Only time will tell if this is a successful strategy for them.
I concur that our particular early culture, partly predicated on the inherent practical benefits, has determined our monogamous practices (or polygamous, if that is your experience). I also agree that we were not necessarily “pre-programmed” to be monogamous across the lifespan of both parties, if we were fortunate enough to get a lifetime with our loved spouses/partners. But I can certainly appreciate the benefits of a loving union committed to monogamy.
The process of grief after the profound loss of a spouse/partner is a tentative journey, even secure in the knowledge we shared a deep connectedness, to the exclusion of all others (competing partners). So many emotions are evoked, analysed & if we are fortunate, resolved in a positive manner. Imagine the adverse impact a current rival for that person’s attention, & dare I say it, affection, would invoke. I am not suggesting that, in the initial example above, the persons involved would allow affection to complicate their liaisons, but these things have a way of simply occurring. As in illness & death which seem to occur randomly - there seem to be no rules or conventions.
My own monogamous union over 34+ years of marriage, 1+ years of engagement & 2 years of dating have not changed my mind about the value of monogamy. While I accept every other person’s preference for an alternative relationship if they so desire, I have no regrets. I’m pleased to report that boredom was never a significant issue. I wouldn’t have traded him for anyone!!!
I sincerely hope that the persons interviewed never have to put their practices to the death test.
I saw this story on Sunday night too. Thought at first the soundbite of the woman saying how she was blissfully happy in love was a slap in the face for me while I was struggling with the first anniversary of funding out my husband had cancer. Watched on only to find out she'd reached this happy state by cheating on her husband. Made me realise how lucky I'd been to meet the man of my dreams and for us to have had 22 years completely devoted to each other without needing infidelity or 'open' relationships to be in so in love.
ReplyDeleteI didn't need to lose him to find out how much I valued him.
I also thought the academic promoting the idea that monogamy isn't normal or natural was off the mark. Sure, having multiple sexual partners seems to work for her and her partner, but to say they're not doing that out of a monogamous ideal struck me as strange. They both said they felt they each needed the 'freedom' to have sex with other partners in order to sustain the relationship they had with each other. They weren't promoting the idea that humans need to engage in multiple many-layered relationships on an emotional/cerebral level. Looked like monogamy to me with an outlet for just one small part of being love.
Pleased you saw it also. Not to judge, but it doesn't reflect my concept of an ideal relationship.
ReplyDeletei did not see the program but have seen others that seem similar. at least the promotion of cheating to help sustain a relationship was there. of the interviewees i saw, none had the body language with their primary partner that suggested true love. not the love of the poets, songwriters, or of the people who, like you and cancerwidow, or myself, have never felt the desire to have multiple sex partners to enhance the marriage.
ReplyDeleteit just seems a paradox. "i have dates and sex with countless others to help me love my primary partner." it needs more clarification than that to show me how this is deep love for another person, that you would cheat on them.
A paradox indeed!!! & yes, body language is a strong indicator. Perhaps we should just hope that they find "the one" to experience that "oneness" that does not require any other, either in the relationship, or on the periphery.
ReplyDeleteEach to their own. But he was enough for me in this lifetime and all others. Anyone else pales in comparison.
ReplyDeleteBut that shows me just how lucky I am. You know. To know that kind of love. To be loved like it. And to love like it.
I feel privileged.
And actually sorry for people who seek beyond their relationship because of what is lacking there x